Skinny Biddy- Banding Blog

Time Flies...

2011-01-18T02:33:00.002+11:00

When you're having fun....

And I am! I've started completing things on my Bucket List, I'm dating (geez its heapsa fun!), enjoying my 5 weeks off work I get given each year as a "let's try and keep you sane a little" break and spending lots of time with my gorgeous friends who I appreciate very much.

I'm back to work soon and need to get back on track eating wise.... at the end of last year I was super stressed (um yeah a false tumor will do that too you) and under a huge amount of pressure with work. I barely ate. I didn't lose weight because my metabolism was fucked. So my new way of thinking is I'll pack a lot of snacks for the day at work seeing that I don't get a lunch break so I can just nibble throughout.

So bandsters..... comment time!! Can you please give me some healthy snack suggestions? I do love the nuts, celery, carrots and salsa type thang but it'll only last for so long!

Update

2010-11-14T13:29:00.002+11:00

Hey guys,

So I found out a week or so ago that the tumor is benign. They are leaving the little fella in there and will monitor it and see if it grows. They decided to leave it in there because its right in the middle of my liver.

So a big relief! Now I can focus on more important things! Like living!!

Australian Passport is organised, and my British one will be done this week also. I've been offered 11 jobs so far over in the UK. None of them stand out to me though, so I plan to wait and see what else is on offer.

Banding wise- its tiiiiight!!! Proooobably a little too tight. At first I thought it was due to stress, now I'm not sure. I've definately lost a lot of weight recently. I plan to have fill taken out for I leave for the UK so my thinking is I'll put up with the tightness just for now.

I've started using body wraps from a company called "It Works!" I was unsure if theyd actually work however on my first go I lost 7.5 cms around my waist. I figured if it helps out and I can avoid a tummy tuck then thats brilliant!

Man front- no boys allowed. I've read an amazing book which I highly recommend- "Textbook Romance" by Zoe Foster. It really spelt things out for me. It's probably best for me to stay away from men for now anywho seeing as I'm moving!

Work is wrapping up for the year so I'm busy organising the end of year concert etc. I can't wait for my 5 weeks off. Unsure what I'll do with myself though! Lots of me time! Anyone have any suggestions?

I enrolled in French classes, I'm trying to fill the blank spaces in my life and make sure my life is as enriched as possible. I learnt after my little tumor scare how important I AM and that I need to do things for moi! I also started focusing on my spirituality again and its really helping.

Hope all is well. I do apologise. I forget I have a blog most of the time. But whenever I come on I love to see the support :)

Waiting Waiting Waiting

2010-09-25T23:17:00.003+10:00

I'm currently waiting to see my specialist on Oct 5th to see whats happening with this tumor thingy.

It hasnt been a hard wait like I thought it would be. I tried to put it at the back of my mind to be honest. Yes- the idea has always been there, but I decided I needed to stop it consuming my entire world.

So I will let you know what happens when I myself know.

I got a fill on Thursday. I don't know what I weigh- I havent known for almost a year. For me, its based now purely on size. I don't think Id ever be what I wanted in kilos and I always got obsessed with the scales. So I'm aiming for a size 12.

I had .2mls put in. Its made a huge difference. I was never able to go over what I previously had in my band because of severe heartburn and reflux. However now being on Pariet I havent had a problem. So having the extra .2mls in has curved my portion sizes and really helped stop the cravings. I'm really happy about that.
Nothing much else to report in that sense....

I've decided to go to England in May next year- will work for a few months of 2011 then go. Helps with savings. Anyone have any good travel tips or airline recommendations I'd love it hear them.

Had a lovely holiday in Melbs a few weeks ago. Hung out with my best friend. Caught some sights. Fun fun fun.

Trying to get things crossed off my life list. Does anyone else have one- whats on it?

Question: Do any of my readers ever feel they outgrow friendships very fast? Is there something wrong with me? I believe that people come into your life for purpose, and I try hard to maintain a good friendship that is two sided. However I've noticed lately that once again I'm about to lose some friends because that connection isn't there anymore. And as much as I'm trying to save it... it feels like a sinking ship that I can't stop? I've always been told throughout my life I was very mature for my age- and I do find that I have a lot of older friends. I know everyone has faults, I do like everyone else. I dunno... I'm just sad because I feel like I'm losing/lost one of my best friends because I was honest with her. Am I'm grasping at straws.

Random blog. Needed a vent. Plus when you're drunk like I am right now the truth tends to pour out. High five for me for typing fairly okish. Grammar sucks. Oops. Hopefully I made a little sense. I bet I look back in a few days and roll my eyes. Lol.

Hope everyone is well. Would love to hear from you guys xoxox

Blaaaah

2010-08-26T23:17:00.003+10:00

I really need to post......

So much for it being my gallbladder.....

They found a tumor on my liver.

I am so confused and messed up. But me being me, is pretending to be wonderful and great and supporting everyone else through this.

I am scared.

The CT I had the other day was meant to tell me what sorta tumor I had. But they looked in the wrong area and said my liver was fine. Which is inaccurate.

I don't know what to think. What to feel. What to do.

I feel really vunerable.

I'll let you know what happens....

Health Update

2010-08-23T10:15:00.003+10:00

One thing that I forgot to mention yesterday is that I am having what seems to be issues with my gallbladder. Every few weeks I get crippling pain, bloated, nausea, lack of appetite and am a mess. My Doctor thinks its gallstones which ties in with the reflux and heartburn that I oh so often have.

So this morning I went for an ultrasound to see whats happening in that little abdomen of mine.

I am hoping that it is explainable, and gallstones because then I could have the little motherfucker out. I need it sorted before I go overseas! Which reminds me.... have to sort out my passport today!

I am aiming to get back into blogging over the next week so that I can keep up with my food diaries. I would like to start eating more holistically. I have been eating a lot of Asian food which I adore.

If anyone has any tips, recommendations etc- please feel free to comment me.

Hope all is well! I am trying to catch up on everyones blogs!

Slack Me

2010-08-22T21:11:00.002+10:00

I'm alive....Actually I'm more alive than I've ever been. And thats why I havent posted. I work hard during the week and live it up on the weekend with my gorgeous friends. I've had millions of laughs, millions of drinks, millions of fun nights out , millions of epicly bad dates... such a hoot!

I am single and love it. I'm very content this way and am focusing on myself!

I'm a size 14/16. I havent weighed myself in almost a year and have no intentions on it.... I much prefer knowing what size I am than being obsessed with the scales.

I have made a huge choice to move to England next year. I plan to tell my boss in Nov and leave in Feb. So I need to keep up the saving! I also need to sort out passports and find myself a job- I plan to work as an au pair.

I'm back in touch with my spirituality.

I'm light and bubbly. I am the old new me. I am changed after the last two years. But I am so brilliantly happy.

Wowsa!

2010-04-26T18:51:00.002+10:00

I finished all the work I needed to today for my diploma. 2 year course finished in 5 months. Wowsa. Talk about determination and motivation!
The question I have for myself now is this... If I can work that hard at my career, why can't I work that hard with my weight? I've still got a little weight I'd like to lose, yet I talk about walking and I don't. I kept saying to myself that I'd start exercising once this course was done. Well that time has come. Now I have to see if I can convert that hard work from studying to my self and my body. And more so to my mental state of mind. Because I KNOW, I KNOW, that I feel so much more confident, positive and overall happier.
Now I can honestly tell you I love my anti depressants. There hasn't been an issue with my weight with them which is great. And I feel calmer and back to my old new self.
How was your long weekend? I spent mine in bed with a cold! I planned to get out there and walk but seeing as the next two weeks I am very very busy I figured I should rest instead and get better before I hit the pavement.
This weeks goal is: 2-3 walks of 3 kms each and cutting complex carbs

LETS GO!

2010

2010-04-18T09:53:00.002+10:00

Well 2010 has been a right bitch to me.
I've dealt with some pretty shitty boy drama (broken up with on Valentines Day via text), some family drama (sister has returned home to live) and work drama.
Banding wise hasnt been the greatest either, just to put the icing on the bitter cake. I've been suffering from horrid heartburn, no matter what level of restriction I had. My band was too tight so I got some fill out and ended up putting on 5ish kilos. Not too sure of the weight seeing as I havent weighed myself since I think November. I prefer it like this.
Ended up having a barium a few weeks ago, and found out my pouch is slightly larger than it should be. Funnily enough after the barium my band hasnt been acting up as much, my portion sizes are smaller and I've noticed I've lost weight. (Again, I don't know the number cause I'm done with the scales however I feel different and clothes fit me differently). So I'm happy with banding life right now.
As we stand 2010 has been a hellish challenge. I've lost a few good friends for various reasons also.
However I have gained a lot from this time.... I've almost finished my diploma- yeap a 2 year course I've completed in 5 months, I've gone on anti-depressants which have helped me cope (thank god my dr put me on them.... I wouldnt have survived the return of the sister without them), I've made some new friends, I've found my positive Skinny Biddy again, I've learnt hard life lessons about friends and men that will stay with me all my life, I've found that inner strength I thought I had lost.
I can smile again......
So heres to the second half of 2010..... may I reap the rewards of what faced me in the first part.
I promise to write more often..... I hope all is well with everyone. You have been in my thoughts, but I couldn't face writing all of this until now. xoxo

Happy Holidays!!

2009-12-29T08:36:00.002+11:00

I hope everyone is enjoying the festive season...I've been flat out for the past two weeks! Today is my first day alone, without anything to do (mind you I'm going out tonight), so I'm going to try to relax. I have five weeks off work (still getting up at 7.30- stupid body clock! Lemme sleep! Knowing me I'll have perfected a good sleep in the last week of the holidays! Haha!!)
Christmas for me was lovely. I did pb in the morning however. I had a big drive to Sydney to do and wasnt going to be eating until 3 pm so I thought I'd attempt breakfast. No luck. My first Xmas pb. How special. Haha. But apart from that, my Xmas was perfect. I got a very special "daughter" bracelet off my mum and dad, and a heart necklace off the boy im seeing (no commenting on personal life after last time, sorry guys) and I also got an "I love you"..... best Christmas I've had!!
NYE I plan, for the first time ever, to go out.... I am VERY excited about this.... we are going to the city to watch the fireworks along the harbour. It'll be really special. I never used to go out on NYE.... hated crowds, felt self concious etc.... not anymore!!! As for NY resolutions...I'm not making any... the theme for 2010 for me is "possibilities"...... I plan to make dreams become possibilites.... there will be no "in 2010 I want to lose 15 kilos" garbage...Im a size 14-16, ideally I want to lose more weight, however I'll take it at my own pace. I'm happy and content... no more self loathing.... that weight has been lifted....
As you can tell I am feeling very positive, and very loved up. And if I'm not posting, its not because I'm sad or low, its simply because real life gets you and you get swept away in it and forget to touch base!
I had a fill last Monday.... yes, a few days before xmas. My Dr was concerned my band had slipped seeing I was still hungry etc. He wanted me to give him a call if the new fill caused me any reflux. Hasnt done so and I'm glad.
Thats all for now...hope all is well in band land...

The Week That Was

2009-12-06T20:14:00.002+11:00

I've had an excellent week in my banding life. To my surprise I cannot remember the last time I've eaten chocolate. Which is a big thing for me. Yay for Biddy! I'm craving fruits and salads and have gone to the shops several times this week to pick up fruit salads. I'm really thinking about my choices. And I'm really proud of myself.
Emotionally this week has been a little rough. Found myself teary a few nights this week. It seems everyone is getting married, having babies, moving from where I live, and following their dreams. And I feel incredibly trapped. I'm saving to travel. And I'm frustrated. I want to be following my dreams. I want outta the life I have right now. I feel like I'm waiting for my life... it's something that I will have to learn to accept, just for now.
Let's hope this week is a more positive week. That I can move forward, and learn to love being by myself. That new friends will come along soon, and that the life I'm working towards is as blissful as I'm imagining it!

I know, I know..

2009-12-03T17:41:00.002+11:00

I've been a major slacker guys, I'm sorry. I needed a band break. Personal things going on (learnt my lesson, will not discuss) and the study and work load is heavy. This time of the year is insane at work. So much to do. Argh!
Banding wise... well..... I got really really dispondent in regards to banding life. I was very close to calling it all quits and not caring anymore. After 20 months I was jaded. I'd worked so hard and couldn't get to my goal. In fact, I put on weight and got back up at 91. I went and saw my Dr on Monday and he gave me a teeeeny fill of 0.1 mls. You know what? That was JUST what I needed. Its actually solved ALL my banding problems. I wasnt getting any restriction, now I have perfect restriction. No more heartburn AT ALL!!!! Portion sizes are perfect too. I am very very happy and back into the "motivated Bridget" who is determined to get under 70!!! I have ways to go yes, but I am really really positive about getting there.
So I'm back. I'm ready to get down to business. I will not quit this half way. I will finish this thing. I will.
Glad to be back....
love,

Recap....

2009-11-14T10:38:00.002+11:00

So banding life is kinda non existant. I've had other things going on and my band is so weird right now I havent had much to report. I'm not weighing in on the scales. Clothes are still fitting. My recent fill hasnt done too much to change the fact I'm hungry and my portion sizes are still what I deem as too big. The catch is I'm suffering heartburn. And if I was to get more fill then I know I'll suffer badly from it. I think its time for a barium. Since I was rushed to hospital my band hasnt been the same. The stress I underwent a few months ago seems to have had an impact on my band..... might need to book an appointment to see the Dr to discuss whats happening.
Life is ok.... kinda up and down. I've just started studying my diploma which has been fairly easy and not too stressful so far. Been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching of late. Nothing I wasnt to discuss publicly however...
Hope all is well with everyone.
xoxox

Nope, nothing

2009-10-26T08:06:00.002+11:00

Hey guys,
So took a little time away. Trying to decompress from the last few weeks events. Plus banding wise nothing has been going on. The fill I got has done nothing, so next Monday I am getting a teeny little more to see if that helps. So I'm eating fairly normally and not losing weight. It is very frustrating. Looks to me as if this last 10-15 kilos are going to take an awful lot to budge.... so I need you guys, my cyber buddies, to give me any support or information you can think of to help shift this god awful last bit of weight!!!
HELP!!!????!!!

Walking Tall Against the Rain

2009-10-15T10:11:00.002+11:00

I got my fill yesterday afternoon. Easy fill- no pain, he remeasured it and point roughly .2-.3 mls additional into my band. Seems this one might take a few days to kick in, as I don't feel too much restriction yet, and woke up wanting to eat my bed. (Not literally friends, just using that to show you how hungry I was... don't panic, I havent lost too much of my mind as of yet).
Still keeping up with my 30 min walks everyday. Enjoying that greatly. I need to take it up a step, so will do that in the next few days.
Today is the day I've been dreading all week. My uncle Nickys funeral. They are having a viewing beforehand, something I am not comfortable with, and will not attend. I will have put my tough hat on today and not get upset. Yes, its a funeral, we have to feel our emotions... however I simply cannot whilst my dad is around. He hasnt cried yet. He started to when he told me Nick had passed, but I lost myself and bawled like a baby and he stopped to protect and look after me. He has been asking me all week if I am ok. ME! What about him! Poor thing. So today I have to let it be his day to deal, and feel, and say goodbye. I can do that privately when I get home.
Please remember to let the people in your lives know how important they are. Please do something special for yourself once and awhile. And please dont put off things you want to do in your life. You never know when this amazing gift called life will end, and the last thing you want is to regret it.....

Goal Scoring

2009-10-13T17:27:00.003+11:00

I've smashed it with my food the past few days. Ive had yummy garden salads with avocado, egg and salmon included. I've watched my carbs (they are my vice) and no chocolate has passed these beautiful lips (losing weight has made me vain) since I vowed I would go a week without it. OF COURSE.... a fundraiser box of chocolates has landed at work..... I havent touched a single one. And I won't. I love the satisfaction of me following through on a goal far too much to ruin it.
I am taking tomorrow off work. The funeral is Thursday, but I need a day to recover. I'm close to burn out. I have relatives staying with me (a house full of snorers) and I'm running on no sleep, work is being a bitch and I'm trying to deal with my grief and maintain my exercise and healthy eating. So tomorrow I am getting a nice sleep in then I'll see where the day takes me. Most likely seeing relatives... but the day off from work is welcomed anyway.
Tomorrow afternoon I am going back to get the fill I was meant to have yesterday afternoon. I am planning on speaking up and telling my fill dr I am completely dissatisfied with the reception staff not contacting me about the cancellation.
Thats all for now. Im wiped and in need of a nana nap before the house load of people arrive back wanting dinner!

Worst.Afternoon.Ever....

2009-10-12T19:18:00.002+11:00

Several things happened this afternoon to make me feel foul.
Howver one of the major ones is me driving half and hour out of my way to go get a fill- only to have the surgeons receptionist tell me she had forgotten to tell me the appointment had been cancelled. She figured because I had been a few times recently I wouldn't need it. And by the 1.5 kilo gain I've had over the last 2 and a half weeks- why would I!!??!!
So I have to do it all over again on Wednesday afternoon.....
Not. Happy.....

This Week's Goals...

2009-10-11T21:48:00.002+11:00

Had a rough few days with my uncle passing away and finding out something that crushed me.
Each day its getting easier. And hurting less. Just reflecting and moving forward.
I've found that exercising is helping me. Its a great outlet for me. I'm finding that I can't miss a day without feeling a tinge of regret for not hitting the treadmill. I love that. So I am using that to my advantage this week, and making it a goal to work out 5 times this week for a minimum of 30 mins each session.
I'm getting a fill tomorrow. A very small one, like my surgeon recommended. I've admittedly eaten like shit since I've had fill out. Its chocolate. I'm addicted. Please help! Lol. My other goal this week is NOT to eat ANY chocolate whatsoever this week. You need to hold me to it cyber buddies... I shall report in to let you know how I go.
I've decided I'm definately going to Europe in two years. I'm going to spend the next two years saving as much as possible. Quit my job and go and see the world. I'd love to move to England for awhile. Thats where my family lives and I love the culture.... things that have happened to me in the last 6 months have made me reflect... I need to do things for me, no use in saying I'm going to do things. I have to actually do them....

Rest In Peace..

2009-10-09T11:27:00.002+11:00

My uncle passed away yesterday.....
We are all still in shock. No one got to say their goodbyes...
Its so hard to see my father trying to be brave for everyone else.
I just want him to break, so we can be the ones looking after him....

I took today off work to take Dad to see his family. I have so much to do in the next few days. I have to put my hard hat on and just push through.

That number on the scales means nothing now. Who cares. When we die will that be all that matters? No. I'm moving on. Life is meant to be lived. Lived away from weight and size. And thats what I plan to do.

I am going to live

Rest In Peace dear uncle....

A Little Break

2009-10-05T21:54:00.002+11:00

Needed a little break from the blogging. Nothing much banding wise has been going on either. I can eat anything and everything- just smaller portions than pre-band. After almost two weeks I am now starting to get really hungry in between meals so I am looking forward to next Monday- getting .2mls in.

Today I was doing some cleaning (awesome way to spend the long weekend!) and found an old pair of pants that are a size 24.... I put them on for a laugh.... I realised I was able to do something that I've ALWAYS wanted to do but havent been able to.... I put my whole body into one leg....

Working out at least every second day..... loving it!

Bits and Pieces

2009-09-24T20:17:00.002+10:00

I think this is an important blog post for all us bandsters, and in fact anyone that is losing weight...
http://cheeseandsunkist.blogspot.com/2009/09/big-fat-comparison.html

Well I can eat! I woke up this morning and within an hour I was hungry. There was a strange noise that came outta my stomach...I didnt recall hearing it recently. After several moments I realised....my stomach was actually rumbling! So I thought I'd take a risk and have a piece of toast. Vegemite on toast. Mmmmm heaven. I actually ate it. And it filled me up completely. Which I loved! Lunch I had a piece of bread made into a sandwich which once again was easy to eat and filled me up. Afternoon snack of nuts. And dinner, my Dad (who is an amazing cook), wanted to do Indian Night so he cooked me a feast of Lamb Korma which was heaven!!
I am really really sore from the un-fill yesterday. I had trouble getting comfy last night and if I move around too much it really hurts. Its kinda as sore as when I first got banded.
Didn't work out today due to the sore abs. I'm hoping I feel better tomorrow arvo so I can get back into it. I havent worked out in two days and I'm feeling withdrawals lol.
So I have two weeks without being heavily restricted. Going to enjoy the challenge. I know I won't go silly with food choices, I respect my new body way too much. Plus I want to try and stay below that 89 I hit at the Drs surgery yesterday arvo. First time I've been below 90 there (scales are 2 kilos heavier there). I will not falter!

Back to Band

2009-09-23T22:26:00.002+10:00

I got .5mls out today. What a freaking relief it was this afternoon I can tell you! To come home afterwards and be able to actually eat my dinner!
*Doing the happy dance! Doing the happy dance!*
Meanwhile the unfill itself was torture! It took the surgeon 3 needles, 15 minutes and a sore Skinny Biddy later for me to walk out knowing I could eat a meal. There should be no need for me to tell you I'm sore. I expect bruising. In fact I was told to expect it. And my poor surgeon kept apologising- " I havent had such a bad time of a fill in awhile" ..... serves me right, I had just told him I'd gotten over my fear of needles after having the band. Lol.
So my plan of attack I know you are wondering.... eating veggies and salad. God I want them! I want to get as many yummy nutritious foods into me. I've missed them. So I'm looking forward to that!!
Exercise- I've been doing 30 mins daily. I didnt tonight, after I ate I was majorly dizzy- my blood sugar levels are all over the place and might take a few days to get under control.
I'm a happy chappy! Back on track!

Thank God..

2009-09-22T21:35:00.001+10:00

Fill out tomorrow afternoon.... thank god.... I managed to get an earlier appointment...... food- here I come!!!
Cannot wait for a plate of veggies.... or salad with ham mmmmmmmm........
I doubt myself way too much. I am too hard on myself. I have excellent self control. This wont be a test. This will be easy. I cant wait for good foods!!!

Frustrated

2009-09-21T19:00:00.002+10:00

I can't get in to see my Dr to get fill out until fucking Thursday. Argh....so it's putting up with reflux, nausea and heartburn until then.
Joy....

Relief

2009-09-20T16:42:00.003+10:00

Leo
Suppose your house is cold. You can turn up the heating or put more clothes on. Similarly, making yourself more comfortable psychologically doesn't require a major adjustment. Simply wrap yourself in a few more layers of mental protection. Why expend energy, incur cost and create upheaval when you need to adjust how you interface with the world?

I am calling up tomorrow morning to get fill out. My band was doing quite well. It had loosened a little and I was able to eat. But, its tightened up again. And I'm not playing its games. Tomorrow I'll get some out so I can relax and not worry about what little miss diva Barbie is doing. Its pretty embarrasing when you're trying to have a conversation on the phone or via skype and you have to excuse yourself, I cant remember how many times, to go and pb. Over over over over over it.

Bring on tomorrow.....I honestly cannot wait....

Work it baby, yeah!

2009-09-17T22:48:00.004+10:00

Had a lovely day today. Got my nails and hair done and caught up with a good friend.
Made sure I walked tonight. I get edgy at night now if I don't. I love that. Makes me feel good physically and mentally. It's nice when things click!
Just want to say thankyou to all those supporters out there. The people who comment and support my journey, and those who just simply read. You make a difference to my day and my outlook on this way of life...

Smiles!

2009-09-16T19:00:00.002+10:00

Hey guys,

Starting afresh.... lets move on from the nonsense.... the disclaimer though is, unless you are there supporting me, helping me, I would prefer you not to comment. I am moderating my comments from now on. Now back to the reason I blog. My life, my journey, my band...

Jumped on the scales this morning and I've gone back up to 88. I understand that there are so many reasons why this could be. So instead of getting down on myself and falling back into those old eating habits that we do....I'm using it to my advantage. I feel much better today- band back to normal and my cold is gone. So its walking time again. Just 30 mins a day to start off with then I shall build from there.

I also decided that I'm not in a rush to lose the rest of the weight. Ultimately, by my two year bandiversary in 6 months I'd like to be close to goal. There is reasons behind my change of mind and heart... I've seen a few friends lately lose their weight really quickly and its not only messed with their bodies but their minds.... I've learnt who I am during this journey. And I don't want to hurry the last of the process... the other reason is.... I'm not unhappy with my body anymore. In fact, I'm starting to love it. I've spent all my life hating it, and its a slow process getting to like the skin you are in. So I want to spend this time celebrating my achievements and not saying to myself "I'll be happy when I'm ____ kilos." I was at work today and I thought to myself... " Would it be THAT bad if I was 86 kilos for the rest of my life?" And the answer was an honest, from the heart...NO.... it wouldnt be. Because me at 86 kilos is LIVING. For the first time...I'm living. And loving. And learning.

Onwards and upwards.... that Clarity I'm searching for is at arms length :0)

Success!

2009-09-15T20:14:00.002+10:00

I have been able to eat today. Thank goodness! Since the major part of my cold is over it seems to have settled down a lot. So I'm happy about that...
I'm not loving these anonymous comments people.... I love that people have their own opinons and voice them, but I'd love for us to have an actual conversation, and someone own their comments and tell me who they are. I wanna know you. I want to know "non banded babe" ....Have you had a weight problem? What made you decide to read my blog? And have you read it all? Because if you had, you'd have seen that I have in fact dealt with my "fat issuses" and have great self control. I dont really think would have lost almost 40 kilos without self control...
I'm off to go have a nice relaxing bubble bath...
Tomorrow we start again with the exercise...had to have a few days off with this horrid cold...

So Close

2009-09-14T20:18:00.002+10:00

I'm so close to giving up. I really am. I'm at a point where I don't care about losing weight. I care about being able to eat a proper meal without being sick.

I am over having to worry that the cold and flu tablets im taking (for the cold I've gotten because I'm not eating properly) will get stuck and I will be in agony.

I know what I have to do. But I'm scared to do it. To get fill out....

Dear Band,

2009-09-11T22:19:00.002+10:00

I don't mind you having your bad days, hey- we all do. However when its three days on, and I cant eat anything without seeing the toilet bowl, we have an issue.
I understand my body isnt exactly working too well right now. I understand you are confused. Heck, I am too. Just work with me on this one. Im trying to do the right thing by you... I'm trying to get you to goal. Just help me out a little....

Cannot wait to go to the gp...... somethings up with my body....

Light and freeing

2009-09-10T18:50:00.004+10:00

My band is being a bitch. Barbie and I aren't talking.... (for those not in the know, Barbie is what I've named my band!)
I've thrown up twice today and had one stuck. Beginning of the week I lost restriction. Now I feel over restricted. What is going on!!
Cannot wait to see my gp in two weeks (I was lucky to get that appointment....they wanted me to wait until November!) to sort out whats happening. I hope it resolves itself before that however...
Tonight I wrote myself a life list. It was so utterly liberating... I'll share a few things I've got on there:
* become friends with someone else named Bridget Parker
* be able to say, in success and failure "I tried"
* ride a rollercoaster
* skinny dipping
* write a book
* host a massive cocktail party
*tattoo at goal weight (69)
* sleep under the stars
*travel
*turn my phone off for a week

The list is long... but my life will be long too!! I'm going to try and get at least one thing done a month, so hopefully then soon I can re-write it. I think its important for our selves, our souls to have goals. I want to look beyond my weight goal. Because my life will not be complete when I get to 69. It'll just be something I can cross off my list.

I went for a 3 km walk today outside. Usually I dont do outside walks without Dad. Kinda a self conscious thing I used to have. Used to. I loved the walk. It was a beautiful day and there was nothing stopping me from doing it. And its something I will continue to do!

I'm slowly closing in on my clarity...

New Record

2009-09-09T23:34:00.002+10:00

Decided one little comment wont take me away from my love of blogging....

I am so stressed people! The ex emailed me today. Blah... IGNORE.... work is Blah... (oh I should know in the next week about my qualifications.... looks like Ill be going straight to a diploma!!!) and my hormones are fucked. Cannot wait to see the dr....somethings up. Im craving carbs like old school non banded days, Im teary/moody/happy/flat, fluidy and pbing....
I pbed 6 times today.... thats a new record..... not a good one
Liquids tomorrow....and until the hormones are sorted. I was planning a return to the gym and opti tomorrow anyway so we'll see how that goes...
Big breaths, de-stress.... nothing is ever as bad as it seems Bridget...

Reflection....

2009-09-08T22:19:00.002+10:00

I needed a break from the challenge. The last two days I havent been so awesome with it. Just eaten "normally". I didn't do the shakes.
I was doing oh so brilliantly last week. So motivated, driven and positive. This week I'm stressed, hormonal (going to the doctors actually cause something's up) and very much over it. This will sound harsh but I am really kinda sick of the constant barage of people texting me and telling me what they eat on a daily basis, what they weigh morning and night, there "when I get to goal...." etc.... I know its motivating for them. But I need a break. Its bringing me down. Hearing about someones work out sessions or loss is brilliant. But when I have people relying on me so very heavily its just too much right now.
I'm being a selfish motherfucker and saying- I'm doing this too!!! I'm trying to get to goal also. I need to focus on me!!
Hormones suck. I thought being on the pill it would fix that issue. Apparently not. I lost restriction the last two days and craved carbs horribly just like the good old days. Its been awful. I've scheduled to see my gp because the pill isnt working. I'm moody (I bawled my eyes out all night Sunday, to a point where my eyes had bowling balls attached underneath them Monday morning) and have my monthly motherfuckers once again! Stupid pill baaah!! Oh and I've also apparently gained a kilo overnight....FLUID YOU ROT IN HELL!
Its a blow.... from such a great week, to a low one. Tomorrow morning I'll pick myself up again. I'll get back onto the shakes, back into the swing of things, and focus on ME. And ignore the msgs I am constantly getting. I just have to do it for now. Until I finish my journey, I can't by anyone else's life raft...

What Needs To Be Done....

2009-09-07T20:10:00.002+10:00

Saturday marks my year and a half banded. And in that time I've gone from a size 24 to a size 14.
Why is it that I am not more proud of myself? Why is it I am still pushing for more? Why is it that I cannot be happy with my weight in the here and now- and want that ever ellusive goal? Is it passion that drives me? Or is it fear? Fear that I'll have to learn to be happy at this weight, because I'll never get to the end result?
Should I be concerned about this? Or should I take this passion and use it to my advantage?
Does the question "if you cant be happy now, will you ever be happy?" need to be addressed?
I want to finish this. I want an end point. I want to see what 69 kilo Bridget is like.
I guess I'll just keep going and see where I end up....this new Bridget, Bridget in the 80s is old. I want Bridget in the 70s...
I'm off to go workout.... this challenge is brilliant. But not challenging enough. I need to add some spice- if I want to actually get to goal and not just talk about the fucker I better get my body moving...

Buzzed

2009-09-06T12:56:00.003+10:00

*New photos up of me last night*- Check out the gallery....

I had a great day yesterday. Went and did some shopping and then had a great night out with the girls at Manpower (hehe). I love the fact I can go out now and not have that overwhelming anxiety of "I look like a whale, I shouldnt be let out in public" sensation. Its an excitement that makes me want to get out there and dance, and have fun, and meet new people.
I find weekends are the hardest for me in regards to food. I go out a bit with friends and just seem to have less control than I do during the week when I'm rushed off my feet with work. By Sunday arvos I get a little excited that my week is starting again and that control is back. Yeah, I'm a control freak. Maybe thats why I think I am successful with my band. I control it. I control my level of restriction and how much I eat, when I want to eat and what I want to eat. Control is mine MWHAHAHA!!! Lol.
I have my meeting on Tuesday for work. I'm actually really excited about it. To finally have a qualification to back up 5 years in the industry. I tend to start things and not finish them due to fear of actually succeeding. Yeah. Odd. But new Bridget wants to actually get to her goals.
The goals for this week are:
- more water intake
- more fruit intake
-3, 30 min walks
- 2 shakes a day and dinner

Dear Bank Account

2009-09-05T17:21:00.002+10:00

Dear Bank Account,

Do you remember the days you were kind to me? Do you remember the days when I always used to have money spare? Well that seems to be a thing of the past....and I'd like it back....
Unfortunately I don't think, with the new life I have, we will be getting along as well anymore. I'm sorry for this. But I've found that there is this little black device I place a four digit code into and it gets me pretty new dresses and tops that once were a dream.
Hopefully one day in the future this new obsession with clothes will die down, and we will reunite in the goal of keeping money in my account for longer than a few days.... but for now you will have to let me live this. Because its 22 years in the making....

I fit into a size 12 top today......

"Its All Happening"- Penny Lane

2009-09-04T19:20:00.002+10:00

I feel like those few months were a dream. There are no more emotions connected to that person, that "man", that nightmare. I feel greatful that it happened. The lessons learned have strengthened me, as does every hurtful experience. It effects me on a daily basis, this new strength.
I also feel free. And confident. And bubbly. And positive. And capable of so much. Life is bliss....
Great news with work....I've basically got to sign some papers and I'll get my Cert 3 in Childrens Services due to having 5 years experience with little ones. Then I'll be given a traineeship (still earning the same wage) to do my diploma. I won't have to pay for the course, and when it is finished I will get a payrise!
The GOC (Great Opti Challenge) is doing fantasically! I've lost 1.8 kilos this week! I have more energy than I have in agggges and just feel overall brilliant! I'm sticking to this, not only for weight loss but because of energy levels.
Watch this space....Bridgets rocking out!

Day 4 of the GOC!

2009-09-03T20:02:00.002+10:00

GOC stands for Great Opti Challenge people..... just to clarify!
How do we like the new blog layout?

The challenge is going really well. Since I've started I've had a lot more energy and feel really good in myself. I'm eating dinner each night, having my opti during the day and a handful of nuts of fruit if I'm hungry in between. However with having a band fill on Monday I'm not really hungry at all.
I think the challenge will really be the weekends...if I'm not doing anything I tend to pick all day. Lucky this weekend I am quite busy so I wont be sitting at home watching t.v!
I bought a new dress tonight that I adore. It's one of those dresses I've always wanted but never thought I'd be able to pull off. I'm going out Saturday night with it on and I'll be sure to take photos for you!!

Quick Note

2009-09-02T22:57:00.001+10:00

Just letting you know tomorrow I'm going to spare an hour to change my blogger layout.... it takes awhile to do as I have to delete all my widgets and re add them....so bare with me and I promise it wont be an animated one....Ive picked a pretty beaut one!
Challenge going well....will blog about it tomorrow!

Day 1 of The Great Opti Challenge....

2009-08-31T18:40:00.003+10:00

So I'm not climbing the walls just yet....give me until Thursday midday and I just might.
I do however think I am in a really great headframe for this. The pre op Opti was forced upon me- I was much fatter, had a poor diet and not very healthy. Cut to Bridget, 35 kilos later- and I respect my body much more, eat 100 time better and am much healthier.
I sipped on my Honeycomb Opti (I use OptiSlim because the flavours are much more bearable. I don't care if the sugar content is higher, I can actually stomach the things) at morning tea time and I surprisingly didn't want to throw up. Previously the idea of a shake would make me dry reach. However this time around I drank the whole thing!
I definately should have had one at lunch time also. However I am so crazy busy at work at the moment I didnt get a chance to make it up. Yeap, I dont get lunch breaks. And Im working with a casual at the moment that is definately a lovely person, but doesnt do much on the labour side of thing. So I spent what would have been my drinking opti time mopping floors and changing nappies alone....
So todays intake has only been one opti and three slices of an apple. I've drunk about 2 litres of liquids today. Tonights meal is meatloaf and veggies. I wont lie- majorly looking forward to eating. I am hungry. Lol. (PS.....just ate.....yeah.... Bridget will do liquids for a bit.... I'm majorly restricted....usually Im not for a few days but since he took fill out then back in again it must be tighter)
I got a fill this arvo, I got .2mls put in and it takes me to roughly 6.0-6.1 ish.
So here we go.....lets see how this challenge goes!

The Great Optifast Challenge Rules....

2009-08-30T17:32:00.000+10:00

Oooooook people!!! Here are the "rules"....Two optifast sachets a day- replacing two meals.
You are allowed one meal a day- inlimited fruit and veg and a protein soruce included in said meal.
Coffee is allowed- people live on this... I'm not an orge...drink!
Water.... become one with the fish....drink as much as possible!
Hungry? Then treat yourself to a piece of fruit....
Whinging is allowed! In small doses...
Length of time we will be doing this? Two weeks to begin with. After a two week review we might extended it out to another two weeks!
WE CAN DO THIS PEOPLE!
Only two meals are being replaced. Use up the day to get those liquids in and have a piece of fruit or two if you need it :0)

The Great Opti-Challenge

2009-08-27T22:46:00.002+10:00

I have a fair few friends on my Facebook who are banded. I noticed a few of them saying they were going to get fills this week and next, and that a few of them are close to their goal and just want that last little bit gone. Now, to me, 15 kilos is nothing since I've already lost so much. So I find myself feeling like I'm close to goal. I want this weight off before summer. I will not spend another summer self conscious and away from the beach. We all know we've said that before... but this time I am serious (note: I know that last line has also been muttered once or twice before!!!)
So we've decided to embark on "The Great Opti-Challenge" .... it starts Monday, not sure how long we are doing it for yet.... but its opti for brekkie and lunch, dinner is veg and protein, water during the day (low cal cordial accepted), exercise is strongly recommended, whinging is allowed, posts must be made daily..... so far I've recruited 6 people.... if you want to join in then add me to facebook and join our little group!
I don't expected people to agree with doing Opti since I have the band... but I want this weight off. I've cracked. I want this job done. For the first time in my life im going to start something and finish it. This is my time. My time to shine....

Wednesday Wind Up....

2009-08-26T19:05:00.002+10:00

I'm in a foul mood today. Stupid hormones and people giving me the shits.

Today food....

Mid Morning- tried strawberries- no luck. Had a handful of unsalted nuts. Then a piece of mudcake care of one of my kiddies turning 5.
Lunch- 4 cruskits with spaghetti on top
Afternoon- Eeeek....I screwed up and had a maccas cone and a frozen coke.
Dinner- nothing so far. Lamb Korma was made, but the lamb is extremely chewy and I can't do it. So I gotta go to Coles to find something to eat later.

Havent worked out as of yet. Food is shocking today. I'm giving myself this one day allowance because my monthly motherfucker arrived. Tomorrow I'll be back in the game.

I have Thursdays off, so tomorrow I'm planning to get an hour's workout in :0) And trying not to feel guilty about my shocking food choices...

Tuesdays Tidbits

2009-08-25T18:41:00.002+10:00

I went to bed early last night. Still woke up feeling like I was dragging myself outta bed. Had a little nana nap after work also. Still feeling blah. Worked out its sinus. With the crazy weather and all this wind its really gotten to me. Least I know what it is.
LBG-I must've read your mind! I added some more fruit and protein to my diet.... here's my food diary

Mid morning: three strawberries and a handful of unsalted nuts
Lunch- BBQ chicken drumstick, salad and creamy pasta
Afternoon- cheese and crackers
Dinner- Lamb shanks and veggies

Think I did pretty swell. I took low cal cordial to work because we only have full sugar and I find I end up having some and wanting more. I did have a fozen coke this afternoon. I had a massive craving and gave in :0P

Exercise- Nil. I planned to do it when I got home. But sinus got the best of me and I had a nap instead. I might try muster up the energy for a walk in the treadmill after dinner. I am back in the mind set of really wanting to do it for my health, and feeling bad if I don't. I love my head when it clicks :0)

Tomorrow's goal: More water, no frozen coke.

Monday Wrap Up

2009-08-24T19:30:00.002+10:00

Worked out Saturday, Sunday and tonight. The weekend I did 30 mins on the treadmill. Not a heap but I want to start off slow. I'm in desperate need of a massage and I am extremely tired all the time. I don't want to burn out. Tonight I was rocking out on the treadmill when mum came home early...I hopped off to have a chat to her. So I only did 20 mins. It's ok, I'll make up for it tomorrow :0)

Food for today

Mid Morning: handful of mixed unsalted nuts and half a container of fruit puree
Lunch: rest of fruit puree, 2 sandwich size vita weats with boiled chicken mixed with salsa and melted cheese on top.
Snack: cupcake
Dinner: BBQ chicken, creamy pasta

*TIP* I find if I simmer chicken on the stove for 30-45 mins I can eat chicken very easily.

Ok- so the food isn't crash hot... but this is why I'm posting it. I neeeeed to fine tune it. So any feedback would be greatly appreciated!!

I'm sorting out the water situation...I've drunk about 1.5 litres today.
Tomorrow's goal is increased fruit, 40 mins on treadmill.

Back On The Bandwagon....

2009-08-22T21:15:00.002+10:00

What an interesting month or so it's been.... no words to sum it up.
In the last few weeks I've started to go out more than I have my entire life. Out to drinks with the girls, out to clubs to dance. I'm 22. This is what 22 year olds do. What's held me back? Myself... being self conscious. Thinking I was the ugliest, fatest, most digusting thing alive and people would wonder why such a disaster was let out in public.
That was then.... this is now..... I am happy. I am single. I am confident. I am free of those feelings of worthlessness.
My band is a little all over the place. One day it'll be really loose, the next very tight. It's hormone based so I'm just riding with it. I am booked in for a fill August 31st so we'll see how we go.
Something very exciting happened tonight.... I WORKED OUT!! YAY!!! I haven't been working out for awhile. Basically since the ex boy and I started seeing each other. 8 minutes into the workout I said to myself "Why the hell did I stop? This is fucking brilliant!" that feeling that working your body, is like nothing else. It's so so addictive. I'm back!! I'm back into the mindset I need to be in to get to my goal....
My end goal is to be under 70 kilos.
My current goal is to get to 83 kilos. That will be 40 kilos lost. There is no time limit. But I'm hoping that with the exercise, increased water, decreased crapnes of food, and a fill- that I can get the 4ish kilos off within a 4-6 weeks.
I shall start food diaries again also. It's a great way to keep on track and get feedback for my lovely readers....
Let's go!!! Back on the Bandwagon!!!

Just keeps going and going....

2009-08-17T20:08:00.002+10:00

Car accident, hospital, uncle dying....big weekend.

Have a cold now....so stress and cold makes a TIGHT BAND!!!!!

Liquids for now I think.... band is still swollen from the drama of Friday night...

Just a little scare

2009-08-15T14:05:00.002+10:00

I got rushed to hospital at 11 pm last night with SEVERE stomach and intestine cramps. They radiated into my back also. You know the type where you cant even talk- I was moaning in agony....
The pain went away after some lovely pain meds from the paramedics. I had some blood work done and xrays. There wasn't anything wrong- band is fine. White blood cell count was a little high suggesting inflammation. I have to go get more blood work done Monday morning and see my specialist that afternoon. I WAS planning on having a fill.....yeah maybe not now!!
They honestly dont know what it was. Nothing felt stuck at all. After this long banded I know what thats like. Its not gallbladder- I hadnt had anything majorly fatty that day to eat.
It could quite possibly be stress. It has been a horrid month for me as regular readers would have noticed. I also had a minor car accident Thursday. My luck.... my luck....
I just have to keep telling myself that the universe wouldnt deal me this hand if I couldnt cope. I am a strong person and I just have to keep fighting on through.
I msged the boy last night whilst I was in hospital telling him where I was. I got nothing back. HE IS AN ARSEHOLE. Looking at his history, looking at our history, putting everything together Ive realised he is a bad person. And my intuition usually doesnt sdo me wrong. I am a smart woman. Obviously I needed to go through this in my life path.....
I'm tired....I'm going to go rest...

It feels a little lighter on my heart...

2009-08-12T18:48:00.002+10:00

Today was a good day. No, today was a great day. Today was the first day since this mess that I've felt the light. Not felt anxious, smiled from the inside out and really really been myself. The new old me.
Last night I realised a few things. I had a huge lightbulb moment when it came to the boy and the "relationship" and how I was treated. It wasnt good. It wasnt good at all. And when I realised none of this was my fault- that I just happened to be with someone who is toxic and self destructive- I felt much better. I don't need him. I don't need him as anything- not a friend, not a boyfriend. He is just a memory to me now.
I went back to work on Monday. It was surprisingly amazing. I was supported and welcommed back warmly. To a point where I withdrew my resignation. I realised that a massive reason I was stressed at work was because the boy would text me or call me in the mornings with all his drama and shit and I'd be anxious and stressed before the day started. This week- without his shit I've felt amazing.
Banding wise....I went from not eating at all to now eating everything in sight! Fill on Monday. Getting .2mls. I love getting fills. Is that weird? Its control for me. And I'm all about control....

Freedom is MINE!

2009-08-06T21:07:00.002+10:00

I quit my job today. I gave one months notice. I have no job to go to. I just needed out. I feel so so so amazing right now!
Tomorrow I am going to drop the stuff off to the boy. Its my goodbye. I am in control.
This week is my week. I am taking back the reins. And it feels so very liberating!
Watch this space.... cause I am about to reinvent myself!

Meltdown...

2009-08-04T20:29:00.002+10:00

I was doing so well.....
I felt stronger than I have in two weeks. I felt more in control of my life and my emotions.
Then I had to call my boss..... she was horrible. I cried afterwards. She bullied me and belittled me. I havent been happy there all year. But this was the cherry on top of the cake. I took the last two weeks off after the boy thing with a medical certificate. The doctor feels I am suffering from anxiety and depression. That was stated on the med cert. This meant my boss felt she had/has free range to ask me any personal question under the sun- including if I was seeing a counsellor and what we discussed. I'm done. I'm out.
Crying all day- feeling low. I was just getting a handle on things.... the boy called for my bday too. That didnt help. I'm not contacting him- im waiting for him to contact me. I want to talk to him so badly but it hurts me more....
Tomorrow I'm heading out- handing out resumes.... I dont really mind where I work right now... I just want something low pressure. There is a job at the local pet store.... that wouldnt be too bad at all!
Food wise.... Im getting there.... I screwed myself over the last two weeks... only eating one small meal a day... so now I'm trying to build myself back up to proper meals...finding it hard... forcing myself to eat. But I'll get there. I've apparently lost stacks these last few weeks. I can tell too... look for the positives? Mmm.... not even funny....
I'll push through.... just finding it so hard. I feel strong then get knocked down again.... I know thats life... but I expected things to be different.... I thought my life was finally on the up....

Birthday....

2009-08-03T17:23:00.003+10:00

22 today.....starting to feel old....haha- I know, I know....
The boy has been texting and calling a lot today- after a few days of distance. I don't know if I want him to be or not.... we'll see how I continue to feel. Those feelings sure wont be going away anytime soon...
Car broke down.... cost me $255- Happy Birthday!
Boss wants to talk.... eeek.... kinda wish she'd fire me....make it easier...haha....
Feeling better.....getting there.....no longer feeling hopeless...feeling hopeful....

P.s..... Thinking of you Nikki, for your big banding day tomorrow. Love you lots and sending lots of good vibes!

The Reading

2009-08-02T12:24:00.003+10:00

So I went for a reading yesterday with a psychic. Its my thing, don't knock it. She was very spot on with a few things....
She said since December last year I've felt like I'd lost myself. That I was in a maze and kept hitting dead ends. She said not to worry- soon enough I'd come out of it. That I needed to deal with my relationship situation and work. I didnt say anything to the woman....I just sat there.
She described the boy as a "rubber band person" ....someone who comes and gos. Said that his own personal issues wont be going away anytime soon so I needed to move on. She described him too a tee.....
Work she was spot on with too.....
Anyway.... I feel better. I feel stronger. I know exactly why this hit me so hard. I am a control freak. And I gave my control away to the boy....so I lost myself. Time to find myself again.
Its Bridget time...
Almost 40 kilos lost....gotta think of something to reward myself with...

Healing

2009-07-26T15:17:00.002+10:00

I feel better today. Kind of in my old self. Its extremely hard to explain. I feel like the last week was a bad dream- and I'm on the other side of it. Mostly.
I learnt a lot during this experience, and slowly I am learning what these things are. One of the things that I am greatful for is the fact that the boy helped me forgive my sister. He got me to see things from a different perspective and I was able to move forward. She is coming home tomorrow for two weeks, so I am very glad things have mostly been resolved.
He isn't doing too well. He seems incredibly low. Thinks he's worthless and not worth any of my time. Hes going into a major depression. And it seems he broke up with me to save me from the pain of him losing himself. I'd be dragged down with him. He knows that and has done the right thing by me by letting me go so I don't go through that. I miss him. I love him. But I can't save him.
I have lost weight as a result of this. (Think of the positives right? Haha) I have offically lost 37.3 kilos. Wow. Almost 40 kilos. And I thought 30 was amazing. I am very proud of myself. The stress of the last week has made the number on the scales go down- and I don't in any way suggest that that is healthy. Lets get that straight.

This week is about me. Its about healing me. And I plan to do what I need to do to make myself realise I am important. I am special. And that no man- no matter how much I loved him- will break me.

The Hurt

2009-07-24T15:35:00.003+10:00

No one can ever know the ins and outs of a relationship/friendship that they weren't a part of. I could sit here and try and explain it all to you but I don't need too. I was NOT a booty call. He did the right thing by me by ending it sooner rather than later- he can't commit. He is the one with the issues, not me. And I need to take time away and heal from this. He did love me- he DOES love me- he just cannot let his issues go, and unfortunately for him, those issues stood in the way of happiness. We've spoken everyday since it's happened, and will continue to be friends (well we'll give it a go!)....
I need to regroup and focus on me.... because the me I've become isnt the me I wanted to be...
I've been feeling low for awhile now. Somewhere along the line I lost the "spark" that I had. I lost myself.
I need to find myself again. Because I've been weighed down by other issues and lost my identity. A huge part of that was the guy thing....another part was my job. I've had a few days off to think, and plan to take next week off also so I can look for more work.
I left uni- I am in no frame of mind to do that right now. I don't know what I want to do. I'm only 21- the world is my oyster and I don't need to figure out what I want to do right now. I don't need all the answers today, or tomorrow, or in a months time...
As you can see- banded life becomes normal life again.... changed however... life isn't always about the scales (although now 86.5!) or a dress size....
I hurt. I hurt more than I ever have. I've never cried so much. I'm low. And I'm leaving myself open here readers.... I could put my wall up... but I started this blog to open my world to others, and will continue to do so.
In the words of my true love, John Mayer (shout out angie! Love you xoxo) "Good Love is on the way.... I'll be lonely but I know I'll be ok" ......
One day, there will be a man out there who will not only love me, and look at me the way the boy did (he was my first proper love, and I wont ever get over him....) but this future man will commit to me.
This is all learning.... this is life.... life can hurt. I put walls up so I wouldnt get hurt. And the last few days I asked myself why I let it down with him. But if I hadnt let them down, I wouldnt be living. And I wouldnt have learnt what I did. And learned to love. I don't regret him....I just hurt...

Done

2009-07-23T10:16:00.002+10:00

Well you got what you wanted... he ended things yesterday. I will not go into details. No one knows what went on between us and I find it rude and distasteful the comments that were left on my last post.
From now on I will not comment about my personal life.

Coming down

2009-07-20T00:00:00.002+10:00

I got home from my holidays on Thursday. I had an amazing time away. The fun kept on until this arvo when the boy left to go home. Then it was back to reality with work starting again tomorrow.
Sigh....
I hate my job. I'm looking for something else as a "filler" in the meantime whilst I get my head into gear. Being in a shitty job you can't stand with a boss that treats you with such disrespect really screws with your self confidence. So when I'm outta there I know I'll be able to get back into gear and focus on career goals. Right now I can't see the bigger picture...
Leaving the boy is ALWAYS hard. I drive him home (he lives an hr and a half away) and the drive home is usually spent with me crying. I always miss him. We had such an amazing 10 days together and I am so so thankful that I got that. For any of my facebook friends there are photos of us on there :0) Our relationship status is same old same old (not together but exclusive). Its purely him saying that. He says we arent together but actions speak louder than words. The boy is very much in love with me, that is obvious. Don't worry, I won't gush. But I'm extremely happy. And so so so very much in love.......
Weight wise..... um people I went away for a week.... so how about we leave it a week and THEN i'll jump on the scales? Because thats plain ridiculous and self damaging to jump on right now!! I am noticing though that I am less restricted than usual. So I will see how I go in the next few weeks. I might leave it as is- and focus on more filling food and pump the veggies into me. I am feeling really tired at the moment- but I am having really bad sinus issues. Probably doctor time for some anti-biotics because NOTHING is getting rid of the pain, headaches and extreme tiredness!!
Better head to bed.... work tomorrow.... sigh....
There are some photos of me on my holiday taken by the boy....check them out at http://bridgetparkerphotogallery.blogspot.com

Quick Hello

2009-07-12T16:21:00.002+10:00

Hey guys,

On holidays at the moment, just letting you know I'm having a blast :0)
Went ice skating today and also organised my tattoo. Things the old Bridget wouldnt have done. New found confidence in myself is at an all time high and previous fears and anxities arent an issue.
Its so freeing.....

35 down- 15 to go!

2009-07-02T19:51:00.004+10:00

Man I can eat this week. I've gone from having no interest in food whatsoever so really looking forward to eating a meal. I don't see that as a bad thing at all. I'll just monitor it and make sure it doesn't get of control on me. But you know me, I'm always on top of it!
I get to see my gorgeous best friend tomorrow! Shes making a quick visit to the coast for the weekend so that'll be nice! Then next weekend I am going away for a week to Coffs to see her with my guy! Very exciting!
Have a look at the info on LapBand for the Mind guys- they have a great deal on at the moment with the ebook!
Weight still at 87.... I've decided I want to lose another 15- to take the total to 50 kilos lost....

The Learning Of Bridget Parker

2009-06-26T22:47:00.002+10:00

What a year....as the end of the first half of the year approaches, I've realised my journey is far from over. For some reason I thought that with my weight issues being somewhat resolved life would sail smoothly from there. I didn't realise the journey would continue, that this is the process called life. Learning. Living. Loving.
Learning- not only learning about my new self, my growing self.... but starting uni to study for a new career.
Living- having hopes and dreams.....
Loving- loving..... something I've not experienced on this level before. Love of myself, and love of another person. Someone in this world loves me, loves me for everything I am, every imperfection, every body hang up I have, everything I told myself someone wouldnt love about me. I spent the last 6 years with a wall up. Convinced myself that the only person I needed to love was myself. I became Miss Independent, shut out everyone and focused on myself. Not a bad thing, but not something I could keep up forever. Those three words were spoken and the wall went down. And life turned upside down. And I'm learning to adjust to this new life, these new emotions. I didnt realise love was so so powerful. That it could have this power over you. Coming to someone who is a control freak its a very weird thing. And I've spent weeks trying to get a grip on it then realising this week- let it go, let it flow.
I'm past the stage of blogging about what I eat. Who cares. Food is food- its only there for me nutritionally now. I have no interest in it as a comfort.
I started walking again yesterday after a few months off. I am planning to enter the city to surf this year with my dad!
My sister called last night AND APOLOGISED to me..... we talked, I accepted her apology.... I was sure to tell her that I would never talk to her again if she was to do anything like that to me once more. It feels good. I'm hesitant naturally, but feeling good.
I put in for a week of mid July. I am going to see my bestest bestest bestest friend Tegan (love you!) with my guy. He suggested it :0) I cannot wait! I hate hate hate my job right now. I need a break! Im contemplating actually trying to find something else- anyone wanna offer me a job? Lol....
Have a great weekend guys. I have zilch plans which sucks (Im finding that Im in a transitioning stage of friends once again and I'm left with no one.....) but I'll study and have some sleeeeep!

Smiles

2009-06-18T18:41:00.002+10:00

I had a big chat with my best friend/soul mate Teegs (shout out babes I love you!!). She moved away about two years ago and I miss her terribly. She's decided to get the band in December and I'm so happy for her. Anyway, she has the ability to tell me something everyone else has said, but make me understand it fully and let it sink in. Last night we chatted about my emotional saga over the last few weeks/months and I had a lightbulb moment. I've been suffering anxiety over the incident with my sister. Feelings of worthlessness and just really low and lost. In talking to my bestie I realised- I'll never get what I want from her. I'll never get that apology. And if I was too, it wouldnt really statisfy me. Because it wouldnt feel genuine- its too late after the fact. I can't let it ruin me. If I keep down this road it will. I have too many great things happening in my life. It will not ruin me. So I've decided to forgive her. I wont forget, but I will forgive. And I'll write her a letter to tell her all the things Ive always wanted to say. And I will move on. And I will focus on the great success of my new life. It feels good. I feel light again and me. Its magnificent...
I spoke at my doctors information session last night. It was something I've wanted to do since I went to my own last year. So I've achieved another one of my goals. Just when 15-16 months ago I was planning to settle for a life of no goals/dreams..... now I am fulfilling mine!
Funny thing happen last night afterwards when people were coming up to me asking me questions- I got hit on. Yeah flattering I suppose..... apart from the fact he was an overweight, 50 year old orange haired man who was rather sleezy and decided to tell me rather unfunny dirty jokes!!! He said the only problem with me losing weight was that all the boys would be chasing after me.... (then he moved closer eeek) and that I should ditch the one I'm with and have as much fun as possible.... hmmm..... yeah laugh, you know you want to!
As of this morning I'm down to 87.1. Now honestly people, I am not dieting or any such nonsense. I am eating. I have no emotion towards food and am eating to live. I don't know why I've started to lose so quickly (I've lost 800 grams this week) but the only suggestion I have is that I started the pill about two weeks ago and its one that helps with skin and weight. My skin certainly looks better and I ain't complaining about the weight at all!! Hehe...
Ok enough of a rant for the night.... I am glad I'm feeling more positive....feeling back to Bridget... back to positive self talk and kicking the negative crap out the window!

Nervous Excitement

2009-06-16T22:26:00.002+10:00

Hey Guys,
Juat realised that my last post was my 300th! Wow! 300 posts....
Has anyone else discovered that after banding whenever they begin a new medication it takes awhile for the side effects to wear off? I, unfortunately are one of these people. I started a drug about a week and a half ago and I've been nauseous ever since. Its HORRIBLE.... because I am trying to study whilst wanting to throw up.... Im trying to do everyday things and its really getting to me. We all know how horrible it is not to feel 100%. Hoping it passes soon.
Tomorrow night I am talking at my surgeons information evening. To say I am nervous is an understatement. This is where I don't know if the nausea is related to the drug or the fact I am scared!! Haha.... no I am not too bad.... just wish I felt like myself. I am excited. Its a huge thing for me- I remember going to my information session and saying to myself, and visualising myself up there talking about my lap banding experience. Very much what Oprah likes to call a "full circle moment"..... so that should be good.
No scales for me right now. I am pretty sure after this nausea wears off I might put on a kilo or so because I am honesty not eating a whole heap right now, therefore feeling really tired too. Stuying takes it out of you also!
As for Uni- I am loving it. Big workload but one of the modules I'm studying- Interpersonal Communication has really made me realise this is what I want to do. Hating Introduction to Contemporary Society just between you, me and the Internet!
Work sucks hardcore. Over it. Wake up every morning and say " What are my chances of being able to successfully chuck a sickie today?" then I grumble and get out of bed. I think its harder now because I know that this isn't my future- and that soon I'll be doing something I love. But I have to keep saying "this is just a stepping stone" ....that will hopefully get me through.
I have planned to take a week off in July however. Uni break so its the perfect time. The guy has put in for the week off too so we'll get to HOPEFULLY spend the whole week together. Please send positive vibes that he gets it off haha... I really need something to look forward to. Hehe.
I miss blogging... its a great release for me. Must do more often...
Hope everyone is well...
Dont forget to check out the new piccy at my gallery... think I might take one with a tighter fitting top so that I can see the difference...

Yay!!

2009-06-13T09:48:00.000+10:00

New photo up in the photo gallery for you to check out (yeah sorry guys, took my time ay!) AAANNNNDDDD...... check out my Weight Loss Ticker!! Offically lost 35 kilos!! Yay for me!!

Confronting

2009-06-09T16:44:00.002+10:00

I've had a meltdown.
A few nights ago my mother told me my sister was coming home for a week to renew her license. I lost it. The idea of her being in the same state let alone the same house scares the shit out of me. In December last year she attacked me- smashed a window into my face. Turns out I didnt really deal with the issue at all. I tried to push through it. I tried to exercise it away, eat it away, not eat it away, tried to change my career path to stop myself from thinking about it, even tried to meet a guy so that he could be my knight in shining armour and make me forget and make me feel whole again.
I can't stop crying. I have this physical heavy hurt feeling 24/7. I feel so so alone and low. Its so isolating. Because you want someone to save you. And they can't. And everyone I love isn't around. My best friend is 6 hours away and the guy is 2 hours away.
I organised an appointment for tomorrow with a psychologist. After telling her the issues I am having- whats happened the last 7 months she agrees with my theory of PTSD- post traumatic stress disorder.... so the week I start a counselling course I end up realising I have this. Excellent...
Uni might have to wait another term... I need to get on top of this first....
I needed a vent....

The New Old Me Returns...

2009-06-07T16:37:00.002+10:00

How to explain this???.....
For the last two months I lost my mojo. And I was constantly on the search to find what it was that happened to make me lose my path. I finally realised last week that a medication I was taking had side effects of depression. So I hopped off it after seeing my doctor and I am starting to feel much more Bridget like :0)
I've spent some of today cleaning- clear space = clear mind. I needed it. I need to be as on my game as I can for the start of uni. Nice and organised!!
As of this morning my weight is 88.9 kilos. I've lost 34.1 kilos and if I still want the goal of being 69 kilos I am 19.9 kilos away from it....!!! I am taking it two kilos at a time at the moment though- next goal is to be 87... I'd love to be 85 by July.... and 80 by August. But I have to be realistic. Weight doesn't just fall off after being banded for 15 months. I'll give it a crack. Would be nice to be 80 for my birthday in August though...
Taking back control of myself. Making plans again. Living like a single girl. (Yeah well I am- I can't wait around for the guy to decide for us to be together because its obvious that aint gonna happen. We are together but we arent. So why pretend to be with someone and make future plans when in reality you'll just end up hurt?)....
Had a little thought today.... The main reason I was starting this Uni course was because I wanted to become a health and wellness coach- working with people with weight issues (in particular people with the band) and help them unlock the key aspect of the journey which is their headspace. But it seems in the last few months the market has exploded and every man and his dog is getting on board and trying to make a couple of bucks... what will it be like in 3 years time? Honestly.... I really need to think about what else I want to do with this degree because I am worried that by then everyone will have "band overload" and it'll be too much. Thoughts?

Ooopsy!

2009-06-04T13:01:00.002+10:00

Hey guys,

Sorry its been awhile....
So in the last week I've blogged...... hmmm..... well I got a fill last Monday- .2mls .....that didn't seem to do the trick- so I went yesterday to get .2mls more in. Having that in I feel much better...its taken away that morning hunger I despise ( you know when you wake up and you feel like your stomach will turn against you and start attacking itself) and wanting snacks in between meals.
I'm sick..... started as an average run of the mill cold that went for my chest and also attacked my throat leaving my "Voiceless" ...... thats NOT so great when you are a preschool teacher and you have 14 two year olds running around thinking its awesome that they can't hear the teacher!! ( Yes I SHOULDNT have been at work but thats what you get when you don't have any relief staff to work for you and you can't take anymore time off because you desperately need the $$)
I'm not exercising. I was all geared up and ready to go on Saturday- Dad and I were going to do a 5 km walk... but no... I woke up and could barely move. Always the way! When I am feeling better I'm going to start it up again.
Guy Goss.... hmmmm well its still "no relationship zone" but we arent seeing anyone else? Tres confusement.... I am ok with the way things stand. We only get to see each other once a week- he lives a bit over an hr away from me. I love him, he loves me.....
Uni starts next week!!! I'll probably use the long weekend to get well and start all my reading! Slightly nervous at the work load however I know this is what I should be doing with my life. I think I have a lot to offer others and will try and steer people in the right direction!
Getting close to June 17th! My surgeon has asked me to talk at the next info session.... slightly nervous... trying not to think about it actually because it will scare me! Lol.... I am ok with public speaking- Im just not too sure what to say....
All for now.... I shall put photos up when I look half decent... being sick doesnt bode well with me lol....

Fill it baby!

2009-05-25T20:54:00.002+10:00

Went back to the surgeon today (one week after getting .5mls out) to get .2mls in. I had put on 800 grams. Not too bad. But I wouldnt have been able to get a fill in a few more weeks and I didnt want that weight gain snowballing and ending up having gained 5 kilos. So we'll see how that all goes!

Finally back!

2009-05-21T14:47:00.002+10:00

I was having serious internet withdrawals. I love my iphone but I am not looking forward to my bill next month! I am still waiting on my new lappy but the home net went too. Baaah!
Ok so last weekend I was throwing up everything. I couldn't keep anything down. I went out to breakfast with the guy on Sunday morning and when I couldnt drink my hot chocolate without it getting stuck I knew I had to call to get fill out. I was a mess. I hadnt really eaten a proper meal in a few weeks (TOTALLY my stupid fault for thinking my band would naturally loosen and I didnt have to go get fill out) and I became really emotional. So I called Monday morning, took the day off work, and went and got some out.
Since then I've been eating really well, have a lot more energy and getting back into the swing of things. I feel like I am eating too much however and have booked a fill for Monday. Only .2 mls- just to get the edge off.
I have been thinking a lot about the gym in the last few days. I am finding it hard to get there because of the distance it is from my place. With Uni starting, work, and seeing the guy when I can its hard. So I have decided to defer for the time being and stick with the treadmill at home as well as my dads fancy weight machine. I want to add more outdoorsy activities too (yeah, hilarious since we are approaching winter). I am going to look into buying an elliptical trainer too. I heart those mofos hard!
I received all my Uni modules for next Term yesterday. Iwas looking at them trying not to let them intimate me. I actually decided to start working on my first one "Introduction to Contemporary Society" last night. It is really interesting and I am looking forward to studying. However when I was reading about the assessment requirements I really wasnt sure if I had signed up to the right course or some kinky sex course instead... I am required to video tape role plays for assessments and hand them in. So two things I need to do- buy a video camera (great....like I have the money for that, I was so broke this week Mum had to pay my phone bill) and I also have to find a role play partner. The guy offered his services... but Im not sure if he realises we would actually be working!! Haha.....
Hope everyone is well. Missed blogging a lot!! Glad to be back!

The Struggle

2009-05-13T22:54:00.002+10:00

The struggle to write about my band is increasing daily. What do you want to know? My food? Because food isn't a big deal to me anymore. I have no emotional ties to it. My exercise? Hmmm yeah.... need to get back into that. I really really slackened off when the gym got really pushy. They were trying to take some credit for my weight loss which pissed me off so I stopped going. They were also trying to tell me what to do. UM NO....Bridget does things her own way.
Emotionally I could blab for hours. I think thats what this blog will has/will turn into.
New photo in my photo gallery of my hair. Quick photo. I KNOW I need to update. Gosh I havent shown body photos in months! Get my act into gear!
As for my goal.... I am really really unsure. I love I'm 89.5 now. Love it. I adore I'm a size 14. I want a 12. I want to be in the 70's. But I am happy at the moment with the way things are going. Slow and steady is working for me right now. I feel for me now any more weight loss is an added bonus. I've been given a new body, a new found self confidence, new found love of my body, a new love, a new career prospect, new friends.... you know all this. I harp on about it all the time!!!
Tomorrow- day off. I plan to laze in bed for a few hours watching movies. I used to do that all the time. I bet I last less than a whole movie. Then I'll be bored and want to do something. Haha

Latest Castch-up

2009-05-11T20:30:00.003+10:00

Howdy people,

So my laptop is broken.... will get one in the next few weeks so I might not be posting much for a little while....
News... hmm..... well I spent the weekend with my man. We are in a relationship but hes very cautious about letting me in. Situation is messy. But we had an awesome weekend together. He actually told me he loves me! I love him too. Its such a weird thing for me. Having someone tell me I'm beautiful and that my body is amazing. I've never had a guy tell me that before. Hard to take sometimes! But I'm learning to love it! Hehe. So there is a huge smile on my face.
Banding wise- I was kinda given a "banding intervention"on the weekend by my man, mum and dad. My band is too tight. Everytime I eat it gets stuck and I am pbing once a day. Its very odd- its come on all of a sudden! I booked in to have some fill out- I couldnt get in for 2 weeks.... so I will monitor it- not push the food- make sure I eat sloppy food (dont want swelling) and keep my nutrients up.
Exercise is non-existant. I am struggling to fit it in.
I am happy. I'm in love. Happy with the way life is turning out. Happy with myself and my body.....yes people..... I am really honestly starting to love my body....

I Had A Moment...

2009-05-07T09:59:00.002+10:00

I still wake up to this day, and at least once a day and find myself being in awe of my new life. I did this for myself..... I DID THIS FOR MYSELF......
If you out there (yes, you who's reading this!) are thinking about getting banded.... do it.... the journey it will take you on will enrich your life......

I Did It.....

2009-05-05T11:04:00.002+10:00

I cracked the 90 yesterday :0)
I'm 89.8.... I cried!
So my laptop is stuffed at the moment so its hard to update. And I've had a very very emotional weekend/week so far with the boy. I cant remember what Ive said about the boy but I don't want to really go into it.....we are together but we arent. Its a relationship without a label. He doesnt want to hurt me so he is being cautious. Hes in a little bit of a tricky situation (nothing i cant handle) and he doesnt want me to get tangled into the mess. But we'll see.....
Life is revolved around this situation for the past few days/weeks. Once it has some sort of stability I can get back into focusing on other aspects of my life like Uni thats coming up soon!!
Im pretty emotionally spent so I am going to leave it short and sweet. The main thing is I FINALLY CRACKED THE 90!!!

Its A-Happening!!

2009-05-02T18:01:00.001+10:00

Check out the Weight Loss Ticker!!!

I'm 90.8!!!!! Sooo close!!

I Love My Band, I Love My Band!!

2009-04-28T21:44:00.002+10:00

Had a fill yesterday.... had .2 mls put in and now have 6.4 mls in my band... Dr very pleased with my results and we were even talking about the end goal....
Went to the gym this afternoon for my weigh in the for challenge and to do a little workout... in the last 8 weeks I've lost 23 cms..... wowsa!!! Pretty happy about that!
A lot of internal self reflection for me the last few days. I've realised I still like to negative talk, my body image is disorted and I need to work on my self worth. Its a hard thing. Its not something that will be fixed over night. But I know that these are the issues and I know I have the tools to deal with them.
Um the guy situation..... well there was a guy.... but that bombed.... and Im fine. Because I learnt from him. I learnt that I am a pretty amazing young woman that deserves a great guy in my life. That I am in fact ready for a relationship. I learnt that I WILL NOT COMPROMISE for any man. In fact I wrote a list of what I want. I also wrote a life list. I am getting back into my positive thinking and I love it!
I am so close to 89.9!! So currently telling myself that by this time next week I WILL BE under 90. I will get there!!

Long time!!

2009-04-26T22:40:00.002+10:00

Hey guys,

Been a little while. I'm not coming on the net as much as I used too. I used to be on here quite a bit but I've cut down.
I'm rocking the size 14! I am still amazed. There hasn't been a day this week that hasn't gone by without me being in disbelief. A 14? Really.... wow!!
I am having a teeny fill tomorrow, I'm 91.2 at the moment, so my mantra this week is "by this time next week I will be 89.9!" Huge celebration is in order. Its taken me awhile to crack this 90s. After this fill I will definately need liquids and mushies for a few days so I am getting all the soups etc ready. I am planning to use them to my advantage this winter. I've never been a big soup fan but hoping to change that. The nutrional benefits of increased vegetables will definately help me.
As for the exercise.... I am no longer 5 hours a week girl. Couldnt keep it up. I exhausted myself too much and with Uni coming up I can't do it. 3 hours a week for the time being. I am lucky enough to be someone who can keep fit and toned with 3-4 hrs exercise a week.
All for now.... I am exhausted!

What The?

2009-04-20T18:51:00.000+10:00

What happened when I wasn't paying attention?
I'm 91.5 and I'm a size 14.................. Whoa.............
No other words......

Off the rails...

2009-04-18T18:06:00.002+10:00

I've lost it... really..... its like a crashed....eoralin you are right.
Made worse by the fact there is a guy. And he is amazing. But its a very messy situation and I dont know if I will end up being with him. First time I've been involved with a guy like this in a long long long time...and I feel like I've set myself up for heartbreak. I want to be with him so much. We click. But I have to wait to see what he is doing. I need to give him time to think. I'm going to give him time to sort himself out then its yes or no. No stringing me along.
So I managed a 30 min workout today. Food is not great. Today I didn't eat until dinner. Funny how I've gone from being someone who would make excuses to eat "Im sad, im bored, im celebrating" to someone who repluses food when upset, stressed etc.
This week's plan/goal is to get back into it. Get my head back into the game as much as I mentally can. Get back to the gym, back on track with food. And most importantly look after the most important person- me.
I will change my blog layout soon. It takes a little bit of time to re add widgets etc so please bare with me.... promise to find something a little more eye friendly lovelys!

Send me positive vibes for the guy issue....

Sigh

2009-04-16T19:37:00.002+10:00

I'm still sick. Been over 10 days now. Yeah- I know- why haven't I done to the doctors? Because I thought it was just me being lazy and tired. Turns out I'm constantly tired. My day off today I cancelled PT and stayed in bed. All day. That's not me. No proper gym workouts in over a week.
Promise to organise Drs tomorrow.
I'm off to bed. I feel so low. I hate being sick and not knowing whats wrong.... makes me want to cry...

Promises

2009-04-12T21:05:00.002+10:00

I've come so far. But its just hit me harder than a semi-truck.... I have so much further to go. Forget weight. Forget scales. I'm talking about my life path, my heart, my brain, myself.....
This year I decided- hey, time to get out there and date.... and its been nothing but hurt....
Makes me think.... these 5 guys.... 5 ARSEHOLES....why did I chose them? I know exactly why... I have NEVER had a relationship that was loving. I've only ever been hurt. I am following that pattern. I have turned down dates with great guys for dates with losers. I've had broken hearts over smiling joy....
This stops now. Right now.
Now that I've recognised this there is no way I can turn back.... no more guys who treat me like garbage.

As for working out and food....havent really had a hold of that.... but will be back into routine Tuesday....

WTF!!??!!

2009-04-11T12:11:00.002+10:00

I've been really sick this week. I've come home from work everyday exhausted and have gone to bed. No energy whatsoever. On Thursday I was gettting really dizzy/light headed and couldnt catch my breath. I came home from the easter show that night and threw up. Friday morning I felt the same. Tried to eat something and threw up then fainted. Layed in bed all day. Thats something I never do these days. So Good Friday was Shit Friday to me...
So I havent really worked out this week and my food is all over the place.... jumped on the scales (was that stupid or was that stupid!!) and I'm 92.9..... I don't understand! I have been on the 93.1-92.9 mind fuck for the last few months...and after a week of no working out and shithouse food I'm below 93? Hey- I'm not complaining at all! Just a little baffled!!
Given me a lot of motivation to try crack that 90! So after my little mini vay-cay (all 5 days of it at home hehe) I shall get back into it!
Off to the shops to buy a pirate costume for next Fridays Pirate Day at preschool!
Have a great Easter and long weekend. Take time out to spend some time with your loved ones. And try not to go over board with the chocolate. Remember how much you respect yourself and your new bodies (or soon to be new body!) and just say no! You'll love yourself so much more for it!

Cleansing Post...

2009-04-09T09:51:00.003+10:00

I had three days off exercise. Work was kicking my butt (making 90 easter baskets and bunny masks for the kiddies at preschool) and I was simply exhausted.
Got back into it BIG TIME this morning with my personal trainer. I have a new one and she works me 4 times harder than my last. For this reason I shall call her "Mega Bitch" ..... (in the nicest possible way of course!).... I was at the point where I wanted to either faint or throw up. Luckily enough neither happened and I am here to tell the tale of my survival.
I've been a slack blogger my friends. But I've been in an odd headspace. I was in complete combat mode for awhile there. Lost it I think when I saw after all my hardwork I had only lost 3.1 kilos in a month. I think my old thought process of " I want it all off right now" crept in. Took some time out to re-evaluate this. Back on track... back to 4-5 hours a week at the gym. Why do I do it? Not only for weight loss but headspace. Those three days off were interesting. I started to get into old Bridget mode and looked in the mirror and all I saw was fat. One hour at the gym a day and I feel like I look like hot stuff! The confidence it gives me I feed off. Its my "new food"... my new love... No one is more surprised than I am!!
Eating hasn't been 100%.... but I eat pretty well on a daily basis, few little things creep in on occasion... hey... I'm not on a diet. I got the band not to be on one!
No new from Uni as of yet... probably late next week. Can't wait to tell my boss! Hate secrets but I wanted to make sure I had gotten in before I told her...
Men.... so since Decemeber I've been doing the online dating thing. Its one tough motherfucker. Do you know how many requests I have had to watch guys jerk off on their cams?? Ah yeah.... eye opening. I tried to wade through the bullshit to find a few decent ones. There was the guy who I needed a friend to come bail me outta a date with ( eeeeek), the one who spent the time with me on his laptop then expected sex, the "guy"....the one who I really thought it was going to happen with but had the niggling feeling something was up and he got his sister to post shit all over my facebook wall, the one who used my change to go to timezone......and a few others in between.... After all this, not having one successful date- I decided last night to take myself out of the game. I respect my time enough to know that I would rather being doing more productive stuff than being messed about my immature fellas. They say you find someone when you don't look. Well I'm not looking.... another issue with the net thing is the pressue of the first meet. "Wha if he thinks I'm ugly and fat?"..... all that jazz....
Anyway.... 5 days off. Bliss! I need it to be honest with you. Planning to gym, Easter show tonight (yay!), Circus (hey, dont knock it!), spend time with friends, spend some time with the mum and dad, sleep and smile. Oh and NOT eat chocolate (oh who am I kidding..... who are we all kidding.... tis the season!).....
All for now... I still want to change the layout if anyone can help me....please email me :0)
I'm thinking.... I'd love to hear your stories....I think I'm due for some inspiration... I want to hear how you are all going. I do read everyones blogs even if I don't comment. But for the people who don't have blogs, please comment your story or even email me...

p.s............man I feel awesome after the gym... why did I leave it for 3 whole days!!!

Makeover....

2009-04-06T23:15:00.003+10:00

Hey Guys,

Found a new template I adore for my blog...however I tried to edit the HTML but don't know how to do that without deleting my widgets.... anyone able to help me?

No gym today...massive headache from my massage. I'm also up to my eyeballs in bunny masks and easter baskets for preschool. Overall I've spent about 7 hours on it. My own time of course.... thinking if I get into my uni course I may look for another job as a barista or something. Less pressure....

Calling for a fill tomorrow. Only need a smidge to curb my portions....

I've Got My Mind Set On You!

2009-04-03T00:12:00.004+11:00

Soooooo...... tonight I applied for Fee-Help for my Uni course and wrote my Entrance Essay to get into the course. So by this time next week I should know if I got in or not! I had to write why I wanted to do the course and what career aspirations I have for the future. I mentioned my blog, my support group and how I had gotten a lot of feedback from people saying how much I have helped them (I squirm writing that because it sounds like I am big noting myself). I said I wanted to be able to give others the tools to change their lives. That I was interested in specialising in assisting in helping others with their weight loss. Also that I want to specialise in working with children with behaviour issues. I do have a lot of experience with that not only with preschool but having a sister who has "issues". So overall I think its ok. As long as I wrote over 150 words the women said I should get in. I wrote about 400.
Gym this morning with my new personal trainer. She was great. I called her a bitch on my facebook status because shes gorgeous, nice, fit and works me HARD. But I know I will love her. Push me and I'll do it. I'm not "Biggest Loser" - "I can't do it" and crumble in a heap. I know I will have super sore arms tomorrow though.... lol.....
Food is ok. I do suffer from heartburn a lot and it PISSES ME OFF. Thats the downfall of the band for me. I will survive. I am thinking that in a month or two I might get a smidge more into my band. I am going to keep track of things and see how I am going. I want to keep on this steady track of losing weight. I refuse to be one of those people that passes the first or second year and then gets into the funk. The funk where they have lost a huge chunk of weight, eating patterns change and the crap creeps in and they settle. I will not settle. I want goal weight. I want it. Bad. I will be a success. I will be the type of bandster that is focused and gets what I want.
Answering your questions.... LBG- Tegan said "omg you're tiny" - that comment will never leave my head...I am kicking myself that I am still a squirmer when I get compliments. I love them but still need to learn how to accept them.
Mel- I am doing the course via correspondence- otherwise I'd have to move to Sydney and I cant afford to do that... oh and my gym is a womens gym..... HAHAHA.....IM SCREWED!
Heres to the new me.... I am so very proud of myself.... I am constantly in awe of this new found power!!

Slack Biddy

2009-03-31T18:21:00.002+11:00

Sorry Guys,
Blogging got away from me the last few days. Its been on the back of my mind but I didnt feel that I had enough to post.
Catching up with my best friend Teegs was AWESOME. You know you've got a true friend when its been 18 months since you've seen them and it feels like no time has passed at all. We didnt do anything spesh but we just hung out.... best time ever..... I cant wait to see her again.... love you Teegs!!
Had my weigh in and measurements done today for the gym challenge. In the past month I've lost 3.1 kilos and 12 cms. Pretty happy with that. I haven't changed too much- food is sensible and normal. Hell I've even had takeaway nights! And I'm working out 5 days a week but not to a point where I am sore constantly. It's always an hour or 45 mins of cardio. I only do weights once a week so I need to change that and do it once more a week. But I'm being realisitic and sensible. Best way to be people. Remember- it didnt take you 3 weeks to put all this weight on....
I am waiting for a call back about HECS fees for Uni. I am definately doing my Bachelor of Applied Social Science. I know I'll be great at helping others. I already do- why not get paid for it? Hahaha. I also know how to disconnect from others- not in a cold hearted way, but how to give advice and not take on board too much. I know how important this will be in talking to others with issues. I really want to help others who have weight issues. As someone who has been there/ still is to a certain degree, I know it'll come from my core.
So things are pretty great right now. No complaints. Forget guys. Really. I honestly don't have time to be screwed around be some immature guy (or pural :0P) and their issues. This is Bridgy time.

Have a think about this one guys....

"It's not what's happening to you now or what has happened in your past that determines who you become. Rather, its your decisions about what to focus on, what things mean to you, and what you're going to do about them that will determine your ultimate destiny".
-Anthony Robbins

So.....

2009-03-26T17:47:00.002+11:00

Date was the best of the ones I've been on...... but it was another dud....... keep pressing on and wade through the mud to get to try and score myself a keeper.... not pessimistic about this whole men thing.... learning it takes time, worth the experience and many lessons are learned....
All I can say is.... we had lunch... I put in extra money since I didnt have change... and he took that change and used it at timezone... yes.... he is 23....and he used my money at timezone.... very mature!!
Went to the gym today for personal training, I ADORE it! Although I have carpet burn on my elbows from doing army style moves on the carpet. Lol. I made a pact with myself that I would go to the gym thursday, friday and saturday.... I cant sat so I am going to sunday hopefully....
Tomorrow my bestest coolest awesomest friend Teegs is coming to see me...she moved back to Coffs (sobs) 18 months ago and I havent seen her since. I miss her everyday.... she hasnt seen me since Ive lost weight so it will be good to see her reaction! Lol. We are spending the weekend together so it'll be awesome!!! I am so so so so so crazy excited... she gets me.... shes the other me in the world...
Had the vets send me a card today.... "sorry for your loss" .... opened it as I came home from date.... tears!!!
Food is ok... Im not in diet mode... its normal shit, no junk- and if it is its minimal and a small portion. I dont crave that food anymore- I actually detest it...
I know its less banding stuff these days... but it still is all related... my life started the day I was banded... who would have thought a year ago I would be dating... who would have thought a year ago I could survive without junk food? Who would have thought that its been 6 or so months since Ive been majorly sick..... I love my band I love my band I love my band.....

Running!!

2009-03-22T17:36:00.002+11:00

Hey guys,

Last night I felt like total crap.... I didn't work out (slept in tisk tisk) and I had Chinese for dinner..... felt like crap this morning too. I know now that food and exercise definately relates to my confidence and moods. When I haven't worked out for a day and eaten poorly I start to feel low. Is this a good thing/a bad thing or totally normal???
So today I knew I needed to get out and get moving.... Dad and I went on a 5 km walk together... I was ahead the whole way... he caught up to me and made some smartarse comment.... so I ran.... yeap... ran..... only for a few minutes... but man I felt free.... thats something I'm definately going to do more of.... after I buy a new sports bra...lol....
Had issues eating today... pd'ed my usual tuna and light philly wrap... think I has something to do with last nights food- not too sure. Fun fun .... tuna- not so great coming up...
Back to another work week tomorrow.... yawn.... I must enquire this week about the counselling course... I also have a date/meet up on Thursday... the guy is very very nice. Good head on his shoulders, smart, funny, trust worthy (so far)..... watch this space.... (I'll probably post later in the week about how nervous I am!!!)

What To Do With My Life?

2009-03-20T20:04:00.002+11:00

I'm unhappy and unfulfilled job wise. Yes- I know I was so focused on getting this job last year- but in actually getting it- I realised it wasn't what I thought it would be. ... I've been thinking the last few weeks what I really want to do.... I want to be able to help people- especially those who are banded and have weight issues.... So.... I decided I want to do my Bachelor of Applied Social Science (Counselling). I think I'd rock at it...... I'm good at listening to others and giving advice. I adore being able to help in any way.... thoughts?
Gym rocking- there 4-5 days a week
Food rocking..... spot on!

Getting there...

2009-03-19T18:32:00.002+11:00

I've had a really great day today. Woke up- checked scales and I'm 93 exactly, went to my personal training session then did some cardio, had my free endermologie consult, went and got my hair dyed brunette (apparently it looks hot hehehe) had some drinks with Nikki, and now Im home resting...
Im in the zone. Working out and eating well. Still aiming for my goal of being 85 in 7 weeks- I've got 8 kilos to go. I'll up workouts again and tighten up the food. I think its very do able. I've been losing every week for the last few so I'll keep doing what I'm doing- staying focused and I'll hopefully get there!

Meh

2009-03-16T22:02:00.003+11:00

I cant eat a fucking thing without it getting stuck...... stress sucks.... having to put your beautiful dog down sucks.... im at a loss.....

Sadness

2009-03-14T23:38:00.003+11:00

I'm kinda tipsy... I don't normally drink... but felt like I needed to relax tonight.
Monday morning my 16 year old dog Skipper will be put down. He's old and needs to go to a better place.... I'm pretty much devastated....
If I'm not around its because of that....

The Best Year Of My Life...

2009-03-12T18:57:00.002+11:00

This time a year ago I had started my journey... I was laying in a hospital bed, in a fair amount of pain, not knowing what lay ahead of me. If I could go back and tell Old Bridget about my year in review, and how I feel about myself today.... I would say...
Sweetheart, everything will be fine. No, it will be better than fine. There won't be anymore feelings of fear, guilt, sorrow of the life you lead, worthlessness. You will be uplifted. In that first year you'll learn how to smile, to laugh, to look into the mirror and love the person starting back at you. Better yet- you will look back in the mirror and for the first time in your entire life, you will see the woman you've always wanted to see. You will learn how to walk proud, stand strong, speak your mind, not be afraid of new, exciting events or challenges. You will let go, and live. You will step outside of your box. You will respect yourself enough to say no to certain people, situations- even food.
This journey isn't purely about your body. Your internal being will reflect your outer being. You will shine from the inside out.
You will make friends, life long friends, who truly get you. Who you wouldn't have gotten through this without. You will meet people from all over the world who tell you that you've inspired them.

Words... they are words....words that do not come close the summing up my year, my new life. I really believe that I have had a very very emotional first banded year with a lot of growth. I really went from a scared little girl into a strong independant woman.
Thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou... for reading my posts, my thoughts, my heart spilled out from a keyboard. Blogging has given me a lifeline to grab a hold of. Tonight, I'm going to go back to the start- and read from the beginning. I want to see for myself how far I've come.

So where to from here? I say- bring on my goal!! My second year of banded life will be a lot different from my first. I feel like the first year was the bricks, the foundation of myself. This year I think I'll be reaping the benefits. Getting to my goal weight wise and living the life I want to live. I'm going to write out my life list (post it of couse) and then start to cross the things I want to do off.

I saw my surgeon today for my one year follow up. I had blood tests a few weeks ago and got the results today. "Perfect" ....... wow..... first time in 7 years I havent had a medical issue. I am drug free and nothing health wise to worry about. No more insulin issues.... I'm so proud! My surgeon also asked me to speak and one of his information session nights. So May 6th I'll be in front of people who are ready to change their lives and tell them about my journey. Very exciting, a little nervy. I want to look my best for that night.... so I'm making it a goal- I've got 8 weeks.... and I want to be 85.... so that's 9 kilos..... let's see how we can go!!!

So here we go...... Year 2 begins.... I'm healthier, happier, FREAKING HOT (well getting there), more determined than ever before, fitter and loving life!!

So exciting!! One big sleep!

2009-03-11T21:01:00.001+11:00

Bandiversary tomorrow!!! Yay.... wow.... what a year.... I'll post a reflection tomorrow :0)

WOOHOO!!

2009-03-09T08:06:00.001+11:00

YAY!!!
I've lost 2 kilos this week!!! Back down to 94.1......... I'm so motivated and focused... finally after months its coming off and my hard work is seeing results!!

Eyes To The Front

2009-03-08T10:35:00.002+11:00

Howdy,
So my ankle was being a cow from when I did it Thursday until last night. Aching etc. It was very sore on Friday so I didnt go to the gym after work. But cut to Friday night I couldnt sit still so I took some panadol and strapped it up. I walked for an hour on the treadmill at home.
Got up Saturday morning and went to the gym also for an hour.
Today I woke up a little sore. I was planning on the gym but I've decided I'll just use the treadmill tonight for an hour.
This weeks exercise has been:
Monday- nil
Tuesday- 1 hr cardio
Wednesday- nil
Thursday- pt session (next week will go in earlier to do cardio beforehand)
Friday- 1 hr cardio
Saturday- 1 hr cardio
Sunday- 1 hr cardio
Can you tell? I'm totally in the zone!!! Its weird..... but goooood!
Food is great. No issues in making healthy food choices. Usually on weekends I'd be a little "naughty" and get crap. But I now say " I respect my body and myself too much to eat that."
I earnt 175 points at the gym last week for the 12 week challenge. Apparently thats good. Lol. My aim is to be above that every week now :0)
Hope you all had a lovely weekend.... I'm noticing that a lot of people are having troubles in their lives at the moment. I've spent this weekend listening and thinking about it. Trying not to take it on board. The moment I do that I soak up the negativity and it effects my moods.
Thursday is my bandiversary.... I am really looking forward to it. It'll be an emotional day for me (yeah, I'm a thinker.....). I am SO PROUD of myself. I have a busy day with my PT sesh in the morning (i think thats pretty monumental to do it that day because thats not something I would have done a year ago), getting my hair done (pictures will follow I promise!!) and seeing my surgeon for my one year follow up!
Anywho... I shall post in a few days to let you know how I am going with the challenge and to give you my 1 year bandiversary recap!

Chin Up

2009-03-05T18:58:00.003+11:00

I'm really not having much luck! After the $810 car issue on Monday, the sick dog.... I thought maybe that things would improve! However not so. I have a cold and as I was walking out of the gym after my first PT session I TWISTED MY ANKLE!!!! Lmao!!!! Its funny (and sore!).....
The session was great. Fairly easy however. First one so she was easy on me! Next week I'll do half an hr cardio beforehand as well...
So gym going well. Seem to be on track with it. Hopefully my ankle feels better tomorrow and I get to the gym after work. I really wanna give my all to this.
I've become complacent. Stuggling to lose. Im scared of being under 90, I know that. But I figure, how about I try it and see how I feel? Lol. The goal is under 90 stat! Haha! If all I can do is get under 90 in this 12 week challenge I'll be happy.
I think I gained some of my positivity back today. I don't know what it was. But something just clicked....
Food is good. I admit, I went out for afternoon tea with some friends and had two skim hot chocolates. No cakes though. I resisted....
The key is exercise my friends.... and I WILL wake up tomorrow and my ankle will be fine... and I will get to the gym for an hrs cardio!!!!
Thinking of you Angie. Yay for being on the other side!!! xoxo

Whoa

2009-03-03T22:40:00.002+11:00

20 003 hits to my blog? Crazyness!!!!!
So we are on Day 2 of the 12 week challenge. Last night I went and had the info sesh- learnt about the next 12 weeks an what it intails. I'll have one PT session a week, one group PT session a week, as many classes as I can fit in, Slim program (its the food side of it, daily food diary- they have a food system where you count the food groups you eat.... I'll give it a crack and see if it shakes things up a little and kick this weight loss boat back into the water). We get weighed in weekly and measured monthly. We had photos taken also. So as you can tell its hardcore. I may even be there 6-7 days a week. Its a points system- the more times you are there and participating- the more points you get and the bigger the chance of winning the $ 10 000. The money means shit to me... if I can crack under 90 I'll be a fucking happy chappy!!

Havent posted in a few days. Felt a little low. Had life drama. Dog is dying and car broke down. Needs a new gear box. And with no money its brilliant. Thankfully my amazing parents are paying for it and Im paying them back!!
Very late- very tired. I shall post soon. I'm exhausted- this challenge is gonna get real results Im telling you now!

And So It Begins...

2009-03-01T18:53:00.002+11:00

Hey guys,

So I haven't worked out in 5 days. Monthly motherfucker arrived and I'm elephant worthy. Food hasn't been crash hot either..... so I've not blogged because I was rocking everything so hard and didn't want to have a negative post fucking that all up.
Tomorrow is very exciting.... tomorrow I start my 12 week challenge!! I am ready to give it my all. I have to go and meet everyone and get a low down tomorrow, so there won't be any extreme work outs just yet. I will go workout before the meeting though. 5 days is a long time!! My body feels like mush!
My first ever bandiversary is coming up in a matter of days!! Whoa!! Crazyness.... this means this time last year I was on opti- yuk. Dreaming of the new me. And cut to a year later, the new Bridget writing about this is doing pretty darn well if you ask me. Sometimes Im a little too hard on myself and think I should have done better. That I should be at my goal. But you know what.... I dont want this to end. I don't want there to be an "end point" of this journey. So I'm not going to think of it like that.... I am having such an amazing time learning about myself and watching the new love of my body....that won't end when I see a certain number on the scales or fit into a certain size of pants. So I've decided- my weight won't end my journey.... it will take me on another road... do u get what I am trying to say? Its hard to put all these huge explosive thoughts here. I couldnt articulate them to have anywhere near the signifcance that they have in my life.... but lets leave this kinda babble for bandiversary day.... lol.....
I am a little hesitant however about this second phrase of my journey. I am stuck on a weight I havent been able to get past in years. I KNOW that has significance. I am doing this challenge to fight that.... so expect some highly emotional posts in the following weeks. I am nervous about losing more weight..... I don't know that Bridget.... thats a daunting thing. But I want it.....
Bring it. Tomorrow it begins..... phase two- the unknown!

Insert Witty Title Here.... I Got Nothing....

2009-02-24T20:05:00.002+11:00

Tough day at work. I spent an hour and a half fighting with a 4 yr old. She refused to put her shoes on. I got kicked. I refused to do it for her. So we locked horns. I won of course. No 4 year old is going to kick my arse. I ended up leaving work almost an hour later than I am paid for. So skipped gym and got a frozen coke instead. Lol. (Come on!!! I'd been bargaining with the kid for a long time... my throat was really sore!!) I also got into trouble from my boss for sitting too close to a work friend.... apparently that sends bad messages to the parents, that we are just talking and not working.... bare in mind we were doing bookwork (observations on chn) I was so mad. So I gave boss some dagger looks and didnt talk to her for 5 hours. Then she was lovely as pie....grrr.....
Food

B- cup of tea, berocca
S- cashews, peanuts and dried banana
L- 2 vita weats with boiled chicken, avocado, mayo and spring onion
S- brie and crackers (oh and don't forget the frozen coke hehehe)
D- 2 tacos with meat, cheese, tomato, carrot and lettuce

Exercise- couldn't NOT work out.... something weird is going on with my head.... I'm wanting it badly! Lol.. I did 30 mins on the treadmill. Exercise 4 days in a row. Woot!!

Fluid intake-3 cups of tea, berocca, 3 glasses cordial (its not low kj me donts think- was premade at preschool- will take my own from now on) 1 litre of water (oh and dont forget the frozen coke lol)

Bed time- early again. (For those who don't know me... I normally go to bed really really late... bad for you!)

YES SIREE!!!! I'm on fire!!! And nothing's gonna stop me!!! Scales are out- weighed in this morning two kilos heavier- muscle weighs more than fat.... meh... im looking thinner. Hehe!

Focused and Motivated

2009-02-23T20:11:00.002+11:00

B- cup of tea and berocca
S- cashews, peanuts and dried banana
L- two vita weats- tuna with sundried tomato, light philly and spring onion
S- a few crackers with brie
D- sweet and sour stir fry with chicken

Exercise- 45 mins cardio at the gym

Water- 2 Litres

Gym again tomorrow to sort out 12 week challenge stuff. So I HAVE to go.... excellent. And the going to bed early thing is on the cards and Im going to make sure I do it!

Like the title says.... I'm here.... I'm bringing my A game.....

Shake It Up!

2009-02-22T14:30:00.002+11:00

So I'm not losing weight. Nothing. Size maybe... but not weight. I am very much over that. I am working out, and eating fairly well. I'm guessing now it's time to step it up further. I am back into daily food diaries, cutting portions down, working out as much as I possibly can. I am not settling at this size. No no no. I was reading a magazine when I saw an ad for Mount Franklin water- the 30 day 2 litre a day challenge. So I signed up! At the moment I'm drinking about a litre a day. If I stick to this challenge I will reward myself with something spesh.
I've noticed I've totally stopped rewarding myself with charms for weight loss. So I gotta get back into that also. That was a really good incentive. I really think life just gets in the way sometimes! But I really want to focus on getting the last 20 off and not letting it pass me by.
I know there is a really good reason why I'm stuck on this weight. This is the weight I was stuck on a few years ago on my very very scary stint of Duromine. I haven't been below this number in a loooong time. It scares me a little. Fear of the unknown. But I want it bad. To be in the 80's. So thats the goal. I want to see 89!!!
Goals for the week:

2 litres of water a day- minimum
5 workouts - 1 hour long in length
Cut back on carbs
Up veggie intake

I have decided to do shakes in the morning. We'll see how it goes.

Any suggestions, tips would be appreciated!

Disapointment

2009-02-21T11:20:00.002+11:00

I don't want to go into what happened on my trip to Melbourne. But just to let you know that I arrived there on Thursday afternoon and left on Friday morning...... title of the blog says it all.
I am really upset that I didn't get to meet some of the wonderful bandster friends I've made. Myf- we HAVE to meet at some stage. Your awesomeness I have to see!
One person I couldn't be without is Mandi. Mandi saved me. So Mandi if you're reading- thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou! For taking me into your home and being so caring.
I'm not sure if Kristie you are reading- but there should be more people like you in the world. Seriously. Not everyone does what you did. Not at all. I am very very proud to be your friend. So shut up and stop being so modest- you are AMAZING.
I went days without having sleep, so I'm still in catch up mode. I'm exhausted. I am pushing on however and off to the gym right now. This weekend I don't give a shit about food choices. Whatever, whatever. But I will make sure I'm working out. I haven't been to the gym in a week! I miss it so very much!
Had a dream this morning about doughnuts. That I was at Doughnut King and trying to choose a doughnut. But they were all so nice! The ones I wanted were sold and I couldn't have them. So I settled for other choices. Its not about food. I know that.... dreams have meanings.... thoughts guys?